Crush

Been up and early today and manage to heard from Dan and Yang (98.7 FM DJs) about confessions and crush from listeners. Well most of the listeners were bold enough to briefly describe the crush they had as well as who the person is. However, some people are just beyond help when it comes to having a crush on someone.

They'll go crazy or completely immerse into it and lost their sense of rights and wrongs. Anyway, there was this particular listener that commented that he had a crush on this lady that he recently knew, however he had two problems that he is facing. Firstly, he is way older than her, but this is actually okay if the two persons actually don't mind the age gap. However, the second problem, which is very, very super disturbing is that he is a married man with a wife and a son. When I heard it, I was like @#$#@ (cursing) ... How can you do this to your wife and family?

But when one of the DJs commented something, it made me think about crushes that people have. A crush you had for someone can lead two ways:

1) into an unexplored relationship between the stranger and you or maybe your long time best friend and you.
2) it is just a passing feeling that will go away after time.

Well, I don't know how true these are, but for me, if I have a crush for a person (girl obviously!), it would normally be a passing feeling. Unless, that particular girl has made a big impact in my life. Sadly, none of these have happen before.

I tend to miss several stages of mostly everything. An example, I don't have a crush for the girl that I love. I just simply love her. Another example is that I don't get high and go crazy when drinking. I'll just sit back and fall asleep. Well, I have yet to find out the rest, but I'm cool with it, as it makes my life simpler and easier to live.

As I'm reading New Creation Church's news devotional messages by Pastor Prince. God seems to answer what I have been always searching for. Sometimes, it's so amazing that your Father knows what you are thinking, and place a message somewhere to remind you of stuff or provide you with answers. Here is an extract of what is being written:

"Let me give you another illustration. Let’s say a man, whose wife has left him, looks to Jesus to bring his wife back. Christ, the power of God, brings about a miraculous restoration of their marriage. But it is Christ, the wisdom of God, who will teach the husband how to keep his wife by showing him what he had done wrong and what to do to strengthen the marriage. If the husband does not have this wisdom, it will only be a matter of time before the same problems surface and the wife leaves him again. "
(Citation: http://www.newcreation.org.sg/resources/dailydevotion/dailydevo.asp)

Well, I hope this will happen too! Wisdom for me to make the relationship a better one each passing time and moment. Don't anyone hope to make your love relationship better each time you meet or spend quality time together with?

Cheers to all happy couples out there and Rejoice to those who are facing problems in your relationships as there is someone that you can look up to to make your relationship a better one!

Road Trip

How rare do you see local kids going on road trip like every now and then? I mean, yeah, there maybe some who actually can afford the time and money to go for such trips with their family (most of the time). But in contrast, when you look at the West-Side Kids, they can go on trips after trips, just enjoying themselves and learning new things along the way.

I want to have such an experience also. But who will go with me? If you ask me to go with my family, I'll rather it be a holiday than a road trip. My definition of road trip is whereby my friends or partner or me, myself and I goes on a journey to experience life as a wanderer. Some may call it as backpacking, I'm cool with the term. I would like to try that as well. Just travelling and wandering from places and countries to see the different cultures and sights.

I have this plan in mind a few months ago. I'm going to find a job soon (part-time of cause), and save as much as possible (minus-ing my car and bike lessons payment) so that have a get-away trip with her. Maybe about 3 or 4 days by ourselves at Bintan or Batam, where no one knows us. Just both of us going around enjoying ourselves with activities such as shopping, sight-seeing, games, interaction with the locals there and many more. It may sounds like honeymoon to some. But wouldn't it be nice to just spend such a time with the person you love with no interference from your family and friends (especially those who keeps interfering a lot!!). I don't mean anyone, but shit stuff does happen sometimes, that just totally spoil everything.

Just like when I, finally, brought her the first red rose. I was thinking, how to give it to her. It took me one whole night and day to finally decide that I will go on one knee to give her. But some 'friend' of mine, just have to pop by and ruin the whole thing. Maybe it's just me being shy about getting embarrasses. But I would really, really want to try it again.

Well, back to road trip. I just hope that the time when I really am ready to go on my first road trip or get-away. The one that is going with me is my partner. The definition of my partner is the one I love and hope to spend time with the most. I don't know when it will be. But I am praying that it will be soon.

One thing I am going to do first before going to the road trip is to send my dad and brothers on a trip themselves first. So that there will not be any complaining about me. I just dislike the fact that you want to live your life like your own, and yet there are people saying that you only think of yourself and not of your family or others. I mean, yeah, we are still in a sort of conservative society, but what the heck! Must we be conservative in so many aspect in our lives?

I pray that Year 2008 will be that year, where things will take place for me. Where things will start afresh and where my adventure will kick start for the rest of life.

Friends for Life

Yeah, actually I am at the Poly Cluster Chalet right now... WooHoo The Father is in the House!!

Well, I had a game of soccer with the guys before we had a buffet spread dinner (yum yum!). Well, met lots of new friends that thought I was new to Arrow Ministry and lots of shocking face to hear who my cousin was!! Praise the Lord for having family members there in the Ministry.

Then we had games in care group (NP B Rockz) and in different groups where the guys get to 'hug' each other to squeeze into a piece of newspaper on the ground. The girls get to bust balloons with their back. Simple yet fun and entertaining game to get people to start interacting with each other. After which, we had praise and worship before Coach Banabas (hopefully / spelt correctly...) shared about the Word of God. So today he shared about friends.

Well, it can be rather offense yet a reality to many people. If you read 1 Corinthians 15:33, 'Be not deceived: evil communications corrupt good manners" (KJV). It speaks about children of God while with other humans. It has both good points and bad points in my point of view as,

1) Other humans include our family members, friends and maybe even love ones that has not be saved.
2) Labelling them as evil communications (as in the case of KJV) is not a very ideal thing to do to these people.

Do pardon me about understand this Word of God as I may not understand fully or may not even have grasp the meaning of it but, it is quite true to a certain extend as friends sometimes do 'make fun' of your relationship with God by casting doubts and doing stuff such as against your moral values and principles. But ultimately, friends are friends and they are humans too... so love them as how Christ love us. This is where they will see Christ at work and that Christ is in us.

You know, I want to be a friend to a special someone or maybe if possible, all of my friends like Christ did. HE died on the cross to save people, like us, that HE called friends. Despite your failings and weaknesses, HE's always there for you. I would like to be like that as well. Yeah some may take advantage of me or some may call me crazy. But isn't life empty and meaningless without friends for life? Isn't loving and sacrificing for your friends a satisfying experience in your life?

So how to determine whether your friend is for real or 'fake'? You may try guessing and suspecting and such, but only God knows ... and He'll show you someday maybe. Well, hoped to stay at the chalet to chat and fellowship with the friends I know and just know over there. However, there always seems to be something more urgent and important to complete first. I pray that they will enjoy themselves in the presence of God and feel Him there.

By the way, the moon was fantastic tonight. Full moon with a little clouds to add on the misty type of atmosphere. I wished she was there to watch it with me. But I know that even if she sees it somehow and somewhere, it'll be the very same moon that we will see in the sky.

Communicating in Relationship

Another early morning trip to school to attend my module of Understanding Relationship again. Well today's session was more interactive and the movie "Before Sunrise" continued a little further.

So, we were taught how to understand people's facial expression such as being angry, sad, shocked, happy, disgusted and more. And a shocking fact by the lecturer was that ... a human face can form up to about 7000++ facial emotions. I was like, how in the world do those people come up with the numbers? Science has a very interesting yet weird way to determine experiments. Well, more important, it's very true that facial expression are the first few impressions that people will look at and determine whether they will make friends with you or not. And facial expressions are very super important during relationships as it is one of the non-verbal communication shared among couples, most of the time. Like some women would say: "My boyfriend or husband is having a mood swing, even if he doesn't tell it to me." Well, ladies are mostly sensitive to their partners facial expressions and body language. That's how they tell if you are sincere about what you are doing or saying to them.

Well, after which, we were taught of attachment styles. 6 major attachment styles are listed below:

1) EROS - erotic (the romantic sort)
2) LUDUS - playful (what I term as playboy/ girl)
3) STORGE - friendship (relationship grow from being friends)
4) PRAGMA - practical (down to earth and super practical about life sort)
5) MANIA - dramatic (drama-mama sort)
6) AGAPE - unconditional (what I term self-sacrificing)

Well, for me, I am both STORGE and AGAPE. This is based on the test that the lecturer handed out. So if anyone wants to try, let me know, I'll try to send it to you. But it's interesting as it really tells what type of partner you'll be like towards your love one.

Other than these, the lecturer mentioned about another 3 major types of relationship attachment, such as:

1) Secure - whereby the person finding it relatively easy to get close to others and not being worried about being abandon or people getting too close to him or her.

2) Avoidant/ Dismissing - whereby the person finds it difficult to get close to others and not being about to trust people completely. And gets nervous when people try to get close.

3) Anxious/ Ambivalent - whereby the person faces the difficulty of others being reluctant to get close to the person as he or she desires. And gets worried most of the time thinking whether the partner love him or her a not.

Well, for this, I am obviously an Avoidant/ Dismissing in nature. So what about you?

Well, that's mostly the bulk of today's lesson and the moral of the story for today: "The best way to communicating in a relationship is BELIEVABILITY". If you have read my other post on the 9th of Oct on Impressions and 12th of Oct on Wants and Needs. I had written about believing in each other in a relationship. Even the Father said so. So it's really no surprise that in a relationship, believing in your partner is the utmost importance.

So friends, one word: BELIEVE.

Whose opinion matters more?

Human's opinion or God's opinion?

Which of these matters more in your life?

The last time when I went for the Youth Ministry at New Creation Church, Pastor Benjamin was speaking and he happened to speak about opinions. Well, humans are mostly influenced by Human's Opinion, most of the time. Even though, we know that God's opinion is far more valuable and important, we tend to always look at other people's opinion of us. Let's say hairstyles. If your hair style is clean-cut or maybe looks like the barber made a bad mistake on your hair, people will comment and in their opinion you look like, perhaps a nerd or an idiot. Most of the time, you will believe and do changes to change their opinion of your hairstyle. This is very much the case, as people with spiky hairs and nicely styled hair are walking around the streets today. Other related stuff may include fashion, studies, way of character and such.

Well, to those out there feeling like shit each day because of people commenting and comparing you to other boys or girls... Be glad, as God's opinion is far more different and life-changing compared to those mere human. Only you (or maybe the Pastors and Anointed Ones) will know of God's opinion of you. I'll not elaborate much, but when you know that it's God's opinion of you in this matter of your life, it will be very much different from just mere speaking from humans.

Speaking of which, the most system that students and most adults dread is the Education System. Be it in Singapore or overseas, education system seems to be the killer of all systems. Yeah, I have to agree that this system (created by God) is to teach us new stuff like languages, arts, sciences, technologies and life skills but it is also largely based on Human's opinion.

Let's say as a student, you will feel competition among your peers such that if you are the top few students, people's opinion of you will be that you are smart and such. And if you are the bottom few, people's opinion of you will be lazy and stupid. Even parents will tend to say such hurtful things to you when it comes to education. However, have you ever thought that you are living your life based on Human's opinion and not living it as your own or God's opinion? Have you ever feel that you are blindly following what others say about you, instead of craving your own canoe or paving your own way? Yeah, it may go against the norm at times, but it is who you really are that matters and the most important question is, have you tried your best and have you trusted God to take care of matters for you?

Thus, next time, when someone comment about you (being good or bad), take it but don't keep it. Cause there is the Father's opinion that matters more, much more than anyone. It is you who decide whose opinion to take and whose to reject. Of cause, when I meant about being yourself and such, it is according to the grace of God, and not going around blindly doing things against moral values and laws. Don't get my meaning wrong.

The result of God's grace and opinion changes not only you, but Human's opinion of you as well. One life, live it.

What a girl wants?!

I came across this particular picture of words from my friend's Friendster profile, the other time. I read through the contents, and found that, this maybe what girls (not woman) are looking for in boys (not man) these days. Take a look:

(Citation: http://www.pyzam.com/graphics/details/1374)

Well, time is indeed slow when you are feeling down and low in life. But when you are at your happiest time of your life, time seems to just 'zoom' past you in a flash. Why can't they just switch places for a while at times?

I can't resist temptation to hear the voice I want to hear and see the face I want to see at times. It's kinda unbearable to just wait and wait and wait, while not knowing what the other person is doing or thinking. Can be kinda frustrating and irritating most of the time? Or sometimes, when you are with the one you love, you just keep on trying to figure out what he or she is thinking and in the end, you still can't find out why he or she is being like this.

Ever watched the movie, "What woman want" ? If I happen to be just like Mel Gibson, who supernaturally or maybe accidentally, got the 'powers' to hear woman's thoughts and act upon them, wouldn't it be wonderful for the relationship. Of cause, on the contrary, if your partner is a cheater like the drama series, "Heroes" ... you will wish that you never have that 'power' to listen to their lies from their mouth and the truth from their thoughts. Well, there is always a good and bad in everything except for God's love, of cause.

Today is the start of the GCE 'O' level examination papers... to all those who are taking their papers soon. All the best and Have faith. Walk into the examination hall, believing that you will pass your paper and do your best. Nothing beats the satisfaction of trying your best, with the trust and faith in the Father, than to not believe you haven't done well at all. So Ganbatte (Keep it up in Japanese) to all students!!

Entertaining You

Well, these are two of my favourite videos from Youtube.com (anyone haven't heard of it yet?). Just for entertainment only so, sit back, relax and grab a bottle of coke. The thing that attracts me to these two videos is it's storyline, although the songs are really cool indeed. But the storyline is the more important part to watch out for. So enjoy!

Title: Helena (Sims 2 version)
Artist: My Chemical Romance
(Citation: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4NFiu-V7StQ)

Title: S8kter Boi (Sims 2 version)
Artisit: Avril Lavigne
(Citation: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LeZIIgbPzzI)

I'm not ashamed

Who says Church songs are always dull and boring? Welcome to the new generation of youths around the World that celebrates and praise the Father and Christ.

Title: I'm not ashamed
Artist: Hillsongs
(Citation: http://www.godtube.com/view_video.php?viewkey=4a30aba97065d165b1b3)

Lyrics:
When You found me
My whole world changed
I'm redeemed by Your life
Let the earth sing
You are freedom
Turn my darkness to light

You welcome me in
With open arms
Into unending light

I'm not ashamed of the Gospel Lord
Your power Your love
You saved my soul
Now I'm alive in You
I live in the risen Son

Mindset

For the past 2 weeks, I was thinking of the question, how do people stop loving someone so easily? Well, it was a tough and very super private question that if I were to ask anyone, the answer will most likely not be 100% honesty. I mean like if a couple is so in love each other, don't their love strengthen each passing day instead of falling apart? More-over, if the couple treats the relationship seriously, even there is a third party, it will not affect each other much as well. Isn't that right?

Well, I was chatting with this woman about her man and stuff. So we were sharing some experiences and about each others' partners. And finally, she mentioned to me a very good point in a relationship that I over-looked many a times. That is when a couple gets too busy doing their personal activities, they tend to focus more on their activities and very often forget to think of the other party. I mean, that is very true, isn't it? How can you be focus on your school work while thinking of your partner or focusing on your career while thinking of your partner? Although humans do multi-task, however, this scenario seems to be rare or impossible to achieve by normal standards.

Thus, I realized that for couples to really treat their relationship seriously, they tend to sit down, relax and think of their man or woman often or at least a few times. But of course, try not to go to the extreme of calling every hour to check on the man or woman or asking him or her to report their daily movements to you. It is not a boot-camp or prison row-call. Give some space yet allow the other partner tell you what they feel you should know about in their lives. Even husbands and wives cannot be 100% honest to each other at times. There is bound to be some dark secret or some white lies along the way. But the important thing is that they trust each other and love each other a lot.

Well, if you were to lose feelings for your partner, take some time to think, what is the problem and where does it lies? There is no fault in a relationship as it takes two hands to clap and make it happen. Maybe you two are too busy, maybe there isn't enough spice in your life or maybe you two aren't really clicking well together. Well, a revelation once occurred in my life, that is: "Security in a relationship entwines with Trust and Faith in HIM to manage and handle the problems you are facing. It's He who placed us together and it's He who will provide for us to be together." So, well if you are lacking security, think about why so? Are you actually trusting Him and your partner in the relationship? or is it because of some other man or woman that causes you to be over-jealous and start acting as another person in front of your partner?

It's all in your mindset, whether you decide to continue believing in the Father and your partner that things will be better for you all and that the crisis will be over soon. Or, you can choose the alternative to just break up and forget everything. But don't say that you regret and there is no point looking back, as there is every reason to turn back once in a while. True feelings die hard. After all, we're just humans only.

Rain Rain Go Away

"Rain Rain Go Away
Come Again Another Day
Little Children Wants to Play"

A familiar song by most humans since young perhaps. Sitting now at the school library, enjoying the air-conditioned location and occasionally looking out of the windows at the rain. Seeing students with umbrella walking around and others without umbrellas running to find shelters.

Well, rainy days are the best days to sleep and relax at home. True right? But in some countries, people can be walking down the street and yet enjoying the showers of droplets on their body. And in Singapore, if you were to do that, you will be looking like a complete idiot and moron. It's not like a shampoo advertisement for Herbal Essences or something.

Well, I've been feeling chest pains these few days not knowing why at all. Maybe it's just chest tightness or heart burn. But let's just pray that it doesn't get any worse from here. The feeling is like someone is actually using a sharp object to stab or pierce your heart. That's the kinda feeling. Maybe it's just me, maybe it's just my body limits. But this is not stopping me from anything. (Let me hear an amen!) - Sound so preaching suddenly.

Just finished watching "The Reaping", kind of a bible story that took a wrong turn. Anyway, its about this lady that suffered a bad experience while doing God's work and stopped believing in Him. However, fate took her to this town called Haven where the Devil is at work. So God uses her to stop the Devil. Yeah and she experienced the prophesies of God in the story. I've always like the book on Revelation as it speaks of the future and the final 7 years of Earth. It's cool yet unimaginable thoughts to experience it real life, that's what I thought. Well, till that day comes, whereby only God knows, I guess humans have to start preparing for it. Not to the extreme but more of getting to realise your existence and your destiny.

You know, it's also so weird to do so many things for someone you love, yet at times you will wonder why. Maybe that's called unconditional love. Just maybe, maybe one day she'll realise it. But for now, rain rain go away... little children are out to play.

Humans in Relationship

As I travelled to school today in the wee hours of the morning, I was thinking what to expect in my lesson on understanding relationship. Honestly, I was cursing and swearing that I have to reluctantly choose this module, as the better ones were all snatched up. I prayed to the Father asking Him to allow me to learn something new that will help me in my relationship with my family, friends and the one I love.

Basically, I was very quiet in class despite seeing familiar faces. I felt kind of alone in a sense but yet the lecturer make it kinda comfy, I guess. I found that his style of lecturing is kind of unique as it not only covers what he needs to teach but he incorporates a movie that suits the entire module. The movie will be split into different parts to suit the lessons. Well, I thought the movie was some old crappy opera about love and romance, those Romeo and Juliet type of shows. But it was kinda light and yet a little cheesy. The movie is "Before Sunrise", a 1995 released movie. About how an America guy met this French woman and they have less than 24 hrs to spend with each other before he got to leave the country.

Well, as the lesson goes on, my eyes and mind starts to open more, things that I thought I knew start to appear before me again in a new light. Such as what a woman looks for and what a man looks for? And the moral of the story for the day: "Humans need love and is insanely obsess with it. Without it, it will be a torture to live each day." Yeap, I agree on it. No man or woman living in this puny planet called Earth, doesn't hope to be attached to someone they love and such.

Well so much so for understanding relationship as my thoughts got more into the lessons when it comes to conflicts and scenario-based case study. Well, quoted from my lecturer: "Jealousy is like sambal chili, a little of it is nice at times, but too much of it will over-kill. If the couple do not get jealous, it shows how much insignificant they are towards each other." True, isn't it? (I need opinions)

Finally, he mentioned that woman tends to be more towards love when looking for a relationship and guys more to sex. Well I don't know how true is that, but I do not definitely ask a girl about sex on our first meeting or date. Maybe when we are closer, as in understanding and accepting that we are meant for each other. I just don't understand why some humans can ask for sex with any girls or tom, dick or harry in the street. Don't they feel uncomfortable when ever trying to hug or kiss them?

So, what do humans really look for in a relationship or when even finding a life-time partner? Here are some of the top few choices based on surveys.

1) Understanding
2) Easy-going (friendly)
3) Humor ...

Well, maybe when I am better prepared and ready for it, I might just be stuck in a whirl of confusion and meaningless fights against myself. But nevertheless, I will continue to pursue and not give up. Until maybe, just maybe the black rose fades away.

How much?

How much more is more and how much less is less? How much by ones' action is considered too much or too little for humans to judge and decide? Am I over-doing it or am I just doing nothing to save it? I don't know at all.

Somehow, how much love can one human give to another to consider it as a relationship? Or how much hate can one human obtain to take revenge? I don't know at all.

Lots of thoughts have been flowing in and out of my mind recently. If there is a potion or drink that allows your memory to be wipe clean or a treatment to forget a part of your life, wouldn't all the pain and suffering be gone? Memories of a human can be a bitter-sweet experience. Some uses it to store sweet memories, while others have bitter experiences coming back to haunt them everyday. Some have both to play around with.

How I wish that I can disappear from my friends, family and love one? I tried imaging "what-if" scenarios again and again and again.

What if I disappear from my friends? Maybe in a matter of time, they wouldn't even remember me existing in their lives.

What if I disappear from my family? Maybe in a matter of time, life resumes as per normal and I'm just a thing of a past.

What if I disappear from the one I love? Maybe in a matter of time, I wouldn't be even remembered as an existence or just a thing of past in her life.

So many negative thoughts have been torturing me day after day. Who can be the one that the Father will place in my life to save me from falling even further? Will it be the same person, or will it be another? I dare not think about that. What matters most is her that's all I can think of. But does she feel the same? I am just degrading my life bit by bit, maybe going after the impossible and using what time and energy I have left to spend.

How I wish that my heart will die and my heart will turn into as cold as ice and as hard as stone? Maybe that might help in suppressing all emotions and dreadful thoughts. I don't want to die from such unglamorous death. But what choice do I have? How much more do I have before it's time for me to return home? How much more do I have to take for acceptance? How much more do I have to wait as time seems like an endless pain to me?

Some say tomorrow will be a better day, but tomorrow is just another day of waiting and praying for things to happen. Am I doing the right thing? Am I really pursuing what my heart tells me to? YES, my heart is clear ... but is your heart clear as well?

I always admire those humans who are able to pretend and escape their emotions and conscious. I always wonder, doesn't it hurt? If it does, why not face it and come back again? There is no one stopping you to do what you want. The choice is yours. Sure enough, there will be difficulty adjusting to life, but don't humans adapt quickly to the environment based on their survival instinct?

How much can I do for you? That's what's bothering me ... Father, is this how my life is going to be? Or is there a greater stage set for me to embark my life on?

Resting in Him

The Father is amazing all the time. Whenever I'm on the train feeling tired and sleepy, he would provide for me a seat to rest. This is always the case, but at times, I chose to continue standing instead of accepting that seat. Maybe it's just me thinking that maybe there is someone who needs it more than I do. So I'll just bless that person by not accepting it. And even if I continue standing, the Father would still provide me safety and protection while standing up and resting my eyes and mind.

It's been almost three weeks since my relative told me to accompany her to speak to God for 20 minutes a day. Initially, I thought, what can I say for 20 minutes to Him? Then I thought again, if I can speak to the woman I love for more than an hr, why not Him? So tried speaking to Him daily, but of cause, it will not be successful every time, as there is bound to be interruption and such to break you away from the 20 minutes of chatting and worshipping. I guess He is never tired to hear me say things over and over again, every single day. Some of the stuff I talked to him about includes:

1) Myself
2) The woman I love
3) My family
4) My friends
5) The world situation
6) Asking for blessing and grace for anyone that I will meet along my life someday.

If I were to talk to any human about these and repeat it every single day, my guess is that sooner or later, that person will just ask me to shut up or change another topic. I guess I am just that boring person thinking of others more than himself (is that true?).

Well, next time, if you are tired from your work or from other matters, just close your eyes and speak to him, even if it last for a minute or so, I'm sure He is glad to hear your voice every single time. You'll be amaze that by resting in Him for just a moment would change your life bit by bit.

Good Bye and Good Night

Saying Good Bye to certain people or objects can be difficult at times. The feeling of a loss of something important in your life is unbearable at times and cause to sink into depression. This is especially so if that thing is very precious to you.

Have you ever thought, what is precious to you and what do you protect most in your life? Or who do you protect in your life? Well, there are lots of people that I want to protect in my life, however, human limits is an obstacle to prevent such protection. Seeing a friend get hurt, seeing a 'sister' crying, seeing the woman I love getting sad, makes me think if there is anything that I can do to prevent such events from happening?

Well, sometimes, my existence seems more like a hindrance than a helping hand in others point of view. Instead of making others feel happy again, events will take a turn and cause them to be even more sad. Sometimes I wonder, if there is a moment that I suddenly be forgotten by everyone and I'll be able to watch these people, how much difference will their lives be? Maybe if I suddenly disappear from the face of this Earth, how will the woman I love be like? Maybe nothing will change, maybe things will be happier without me.

Sometimes I felt like a cursed fallen mortal walking around in this World. But is this the case for the Child of God? or is this just another ploy by the Fallen Angels to trick me? Whatever it is, my heart is breaking bit by bit. Who can actually stop it before it is too late?

Sometimes death seems so near yet so far, sometimes it felt like it is in the grasp of your hands and you feel like just allowing it to consume you. Maybe there will be a light to cast these darkness away. Maybe there will be a hand to hold me from falling into the abyss of darkness. Just maybe...

If I have a chance, I would like to try disappearing for a period of time to escape from the people I know and be alone for so time. Maybe at that time, I'll tell them, "Good Night and Good Bye" ... forever?

A Night to be remembered

If you have one last night in your life to spend with, who will it be? Your parents, family, friends, love one or alone? Have you ever thought that if there is only one minute left in your life, what will you be doing?

Well, the thought crossed my mind while I was out with her yesterday staring into the sky, admiring the stars, planets and objects. How I wish there will be many such nights that we can spend together, doing such stuff. Well, when there is chance, I would again.

A night out of fun, chatting, and sharing of personal thoughts just like old times, felt good again. But can't lovers be great friends as well? Whenever I listened to the song: "I Go Crazy" by DHT. I am always bothered by the phrase, "they say all lovers can be good friends". But is that always true?

Well I don't know, sometimes in a relationship, just because of not letting the other party to worry so much about you, you will lie and deceive, mostly are white lies, but white lies will eventually turn to black lies as well. To not allow the other party to be burden by your problems, you kept to yourself and stop sharing personal problems with each other. And to prevent the other party to see the other side of you, you change yourself into another person to suit the relationship. But is these all necessary for a relationship to survive?

Well, that I don't know as well. Ultimately, love between 2 person is something hard to predict and understand. They said, "Love is blind". I agree with such a phrase as when two person are truly in love, no matter the weaknesses or strengths, the love between them will overlook these minor factors. However, from an outsider point of view, the strengths and weaknesses are as clear as white snow.

The one that I love, most people will deem her as extra-ordinary person, different from other girls and different from what she seems to be. Well, to really understand her is a hard thing to do as well. But she is, nevertheless, still a strong-will and determine woman after all. Some people will accept the way she is, while others find it hard to do so. She always told me that she will not be willing to change herself for any man, until today, she didn't. Not that I didn't try, but she believes in being herself. That night, it was an eye-opener to me, to see her being so highly-spirited.

What a night for me to experience indeed! Well, to my dearest Snow, chance is created by humans, destiny by God. If you do not try to work things out, how will you know that things will turn out the way it is suppose or not suppose to be? Sacrifice has to be made, ego will be shattered, tears may flow, hearts maybe broken, what matters more is your decision to love or not to love? You know yourself more than humans can do. Is he the one that you hope to spend your life with for as long as it takes? or is he just another man that you see on the street today? A love bond is never so easily broken as long as both parties preserve, despite the external factors of third party, financial burden, and stuff.

Once you have decided, do not regret your decision. As regretting only leads to more heart breaks and pain in your life

(I've never regretted knowing you, my love... just maybe only regretting to know you so late in my life)

Past Memories ...

As I sat down on the chair, facing the four walls of the room. I started to reflect, something prompt me to look back in my messages in my inbox over the years. I was surprise I still kept these two messages that someone sent to me.

Those were suppose to be painful memories that continues to haunt me today, but these messages are also a reminder to not give up and continue to believe. These are the two messages:

Date: 7th Feb 2005
my fingers were poised over the keyboard, ready to type something. but yet i didnt know wad to type cos it was for you. wadever i thought of just didnt seem right. after many unfruitful attempts, i gave up. many a times, i was caught in tis dilemma.
picking up my hp to msg you was something that used to be so easy for me. somehow or rather, there was juz something to tell you about. but now... it is so hard.
i couldnt bring myself to talk to you again, after telling you how much i hated you. maybe my pride has gotten in the way. but i admit, i cant bring myself to hate you. i juz cant. i should be hating you.
i dunno if i ever will have enough guts to send you tis email. but for now, i juz wanna get things off my mind.

Date: 8th Feb 2005
hmmmm.... honestly i still do like you alot. maybe tat is why i feel that i should hate you. you could say that tis has been a crushing blow to me becos u ARE one of my closest frenz. and therefore i feel the pain even more.
i will try not to ignore you during ***'s party but it wun be a sure thing. afterall, i am still rather mad at you. not juz for the fact that u like another gal but also cos you keep bringing up the damn topic. SO..... natuarally, i will get pissed off like any normal person would.
but for now, juz concentrate on ur studies. dun let anybody pissed you off. u said that u gave up relationships for ur studies, so u beta study hard or i will really get very angry. you dun want that to happen do ya? then you wun have a cute and lovable ***** to disturb u anymore...
anyway dun let tis small ppl irritate u. not worth it right?

2 years had passed, I wonder how much have changed between us?

(There is no change to the text, except for the removal of names)

Parental Guidance

Have the thought of being a parent and trying to educate your child cross your mind many times? Especially during the times when your own parents punish or scold you for things that you believe is right. Well I always did.

I always wonder if I ever have a boy, what will I teach him so that he will grow up to be a fine young man? While if I ever have a girl, what will I teach her so that she will grow up to be a graceful lady? Thoughts such as the boys being a soldier and girls being a housewife is long gone from this era. Yes, there are still traditional and conservative humans around believing in sexist and stuff. But what lies in the reality of this World is that man and woman co-exist for the purpose of building this World a better place for the present and future generations to live in.

Well, I was chatting with my Dad (a rare thing usually as both of us are quiet people) about learning a particular skill overseas from a professional. Expecting nothing good to come out of it, I was slammed for being stupid in talking to him about this topic. True, the place that I have to adventure may be dangerous now, but isn't it for a better cause?

Then he triggered a topic that has been bothering me for quite some time. That is when I speak, I may have an underlying meaning to it. Simple, the professional is related to someone dear, that's why he may think that I am just finding an excuse to be closer to her. but in reality, he doesn't really understand the full picture yet. May that's because I didn't want him to worry about me and me being the person I am, is not willing to let him know either.

I have been always thinking that when I speak, will there be any underlying meaning that people will misunderstand or misinterpret? That's why I tend to think many times how to be tactful in approaching the matter such that people will get clear what I am trying to say. this resulted in me, at times, not being truthful and honest due to the fear of being put down or causing others to be hurt by my words. Not only through words, by my actions, I tend to resist change mostly unless needed to, for adaptation.

Well, back to parental guidance, the truth is that, our parents are the ones that Father selected among thousands and millions of people to create each and single one of us. Therefore, all of us have different skills, capabilities and abilities. No one is the same, not even twins. If you hate your parents, you are hating the one that chose them to create you.

You might wonder that if that boy's father is my father instead, how will that be or if that girl's mother is my mother, how much difference will my life be? STOP THINKING that way... That's because, the Father knows which male and female is needed to specifically create YOU (for who you are). He knows that your parents are the only (not the most suitable or best, but ONLY) ones to create a child like you. Yeah, I did hate my parents once, but when I heard a Pastor telling me about parents and how they are chosen to create me, that changed my mind.

I am learning to be a better parent when I have the chance to be one. Whatever the outcome is, only God knows. Thus, parental guidance is just what humans thought to be the best way to educate their children, but in fact, each child has a different need and there are no fixed methods impose on them.

To those children who wishes so much that your parents are different, think back, in their 'shoes' and in the future, how will it be like for you to be a parent instead. And maybe when you wish that your child is to learn many many things so that they can excel in life, you may start to wonder, like-wise to all parents, is that what my child actually wants or is that what I want him or her to do?

Thank you to the one I love for taking time to talk to me about this, without that moment together, I may still live in a state of denial and hate. And Thank you Father for giving parents that made me who I am today. To all present and future generations in the World, lets make the World a better place to live in through love and care for our children.

Inconsolable

An entertaining music video and meaningful lyrics...

Title: Inconsolable
Artist: Backstreet Boys

(Citation: http://www.metrolyrics.com/inconsolable-lyrics-backstreet-boys.html, Backstreet Boys Inconsolable Lyrics, Author: Metrolyrics
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NhQZBeaxd9M, Backstreet Boys Inconsolable Music videos)

Wants and Needs

Many years ago, I've read articles and speak to people about their needs and wants. What is the difference between them and how does it have an impact in our lives? Well, based on my understanding of when a human needs something, it is a necessity in his or her life. However, if a human wants something, it is just an additional item to satisfy their desires. Well, I have seen countless people buying what they wanted and in the end, after trying once or twice, they shelve those items somewhere. After a few days, weeks or even years, they would either pass it on or sell it or throw those items away. Pity isn't it?

Well I have a list of items I wanted to do, it sounds crazy and I hope there is enough time to do as much of it. Time is short, sometimes 24 hrs a day doesn't seems enough at all.
Here are some of the things I would like to do as much as I continue breathing:
1) Getting to know the Father more.
2) Getting both licences done and over with.
2) Completing my course as soon as possible with as much knowledge in my mind.
3) Expanding a particular company locally and internationally.
4) Learning a musical instrument such as drums, piano or guitar.
5) Learning architectural works and engineering fundamentals from a professional that I know of.
6) Settling down with my soul-mate
All these takes time, and time is of the essence.

I chatted with a particular woman last night, she told me about her boyfriend and her plans to settle down after a couple of years. Hoping to set up a family and live life happily. Sounds like a fairytale in a ever-changing and tempting World? I pray so for her.

It struck my mind that in a couple of years time, it will soon be my turn thinking of such stuff, after settling down in my career first (of course!). But who will that woman be, to be my soul-mate? Will she be the one that I am looking forward to be with now? Or will she be another one that God will place her in my life? Maybe somehow, I might not even cease to live to see that day coming, as I may return home soon enough. Such foolish thoughts some might say, suicidal? No way, I never believe in giving up my life for such things. A crowd act!!

Well, whatever I hope to achieve in my life so far has been blessed by the Father. Many miracles had happen and blessing has been given to my life in terms of studies, friendship, work and maybe (I am believing in this a lot) relationships. Apparently, thus far in my life, I have achieve academic excellence, leadership skills and working experience that is fun, loving and entertaining. (I Praise You for that, Father). But in terms of relationship, it is not as smooth sailing as it gets. But I'll challenge it, with the faith and trust, to overcome any obstacles in my relationship.

I want to experience what a wise human once told me. That in your journey in life, there are rocks that block your path.
You have 3 general decisions to make:

1) You will stop at your tracks and even if you try to move on, if the same rock appear, you will stop at your tracks again.

2) You can try smashing the rock away from your path, and every time if the rock appear, you will smash it. But how long can you keep on smashing rocks?

3) You can find a way to overcome it by changing your path or going around it. And every time the rock appear, you will adapt to the circumstances and overcome it.

However, after overcoming each rock, you will experience something special (differs for individuals) at the other side of the rock. I want to experience that as well. I want to overcome obstacles in my relationships to savour the victory. But the questions lies... will You be there to experience this with me? I believe in You, and You got to believe in yourself more.

Mistakes can be rectify, decisions can be overturn. But what You believe can never be change so easily... I pray that that day will come, for both of us to achieve this together.

Getting Practical with Love

Everyday I'll received devotional messages from The Purpose Driven Life Daily Devotional. The writer behind these messages is Pastor Jon Walker. Many people may have read The Purpose Driven Life book by Rick Warren before. These daily messages are just part of the daily inspiration by the Pastor on God's ways. To accept the truth of it depends very much on the reader as each of us have our very own perception.

Well the message I received last night was titled: "Getting Practical with Love". When I saw the title, I was thinking how practical can love be in the first place? I did suffer some setbacks in relationships before and friendships and stuff. When it comes to loving someone, its either I will go for it or I wouldn't. I never like the idea of letting a relationship with anyone left hanging in the air unless needed to. But to all those who truly understand me, when it comes to relationship, loyalty and trust is very important to me. It's because no matter what the circumstances, I'll be faithful and truthful to the person as much as possible, as through faith and grace, the love will strengthen more.

But relating back to the message by the Pastor. He speaks about how love should go about towards others, just like how the Lord did to his people. Well it seems right for most of the parts. But what really caught my attention was the part in believing. If you believe in a principle for an example, you will naturally live by it. Maybe that's why I got caught too much into the relationship as I just kept on believing and believing. Till maybe one day, things will come true. So to those out there that are having a hard time trying to love your spouse or partners, believing in HIM and believe in your partner.

If you find it hard to believe, written inside the message has a quote by the famous C.S Lewis. C.S Lewis is a man of God, a writer that writes for God to children or even adults to understand God better. If you have read the Chronicles of Narnia, it is the living example of biblical characters in the story. Well, back to his quote, C.S. Lewis said: "if you can't love someone, then act like you do. Eventually the feelings will catch up to your actions."

It's true somehow or another. It's just like those traditional sayings that if a guy and a girl fights a lot as friends or even as strangers, the chances of them ending up as a couple is very high. It's because of those fights they understand each other better. They start to think of each other more and talk and interact (may not be a good thing always) more. And finally, a spark may appear and then the Cupid Angel will shoot arrows at them. Sounds like a cool story right? I hope so too.

Well, the quote had some meaning to my relationship with the woman. I thought I can't love her for who she is and stuff. So I decided to act it out as friends, however, I guess my acting is kinda lousy and feelings started to develop rapidly till now it is just out of my control. Of cause, not everyone will experience the same thing, but one way or another, it will occur in your life in many different approach.

Well, to my dear brothers and sisters out there. Praise HIM for all these love that is in the air. Without HIM, there will be no such thing as love. I believe in You.

This is the devotional message if you would like to read more about it:
http://www.purposedrivenlife.com/devarchive.aspx?ARCHIVEID=2413

Battling The Worst Nemesis

Ever thought that every mortal has an angel and devil by his or her side? Sounds like a comedy show or something which normally shows the devil coming out of one side to tempt the person and the angel coming out of another to prevent the temptation. Sounds cool?!

Well, I do believe that not only mortal but Angels sometimes do experience such things such that there are Fallen Angels around. The worst nemesis that anyone can experience is himself or herself. The most difficult to battle is your own self.

I have been battling my inner self for many times now, and even as I am typing, I am still battling them. Well, I know that I am on the winning side even though at times, losing seems like a better choice. What have I been battling, some may wonder?

Well I have been battling:

1) Pride - to let down my pride and be humble

2) Anger - to control my temper and hatred
3) Jealousy - to control the most resentful feeling ever
4) A wandering mind - to control my thoughts and not let imagination over-rule it
5) Pain - physically, EMOTIONALLY and mentally
These are the basic 5 that I faced every single day since I decided to abandon myself.

Well when anyone battles their own worst nemesis, they too need people (which they called friends) to support them. Sadly, not everyone does have friends. My best friend was lost a long time ago, while buddies are busy with their life and ordinary friends can't be trusted all the time. People I called God-sister turns to me only when they are in trouble or difficulty. How ironic for me to say about them when I myself refuse to let out my emotions.

I read an article today in The Straits Times, Life! section. It's interesting to know such things sometimes. I had the joy of reading and thinking of 'what-ifs' scenarios that can happen in life. Take a look at the article.

(Citation: The Straits Times, Life! Section, Wednesday, October 10 2007. Article: You can die from a broken heart. Author/ Writer: Reuters, AP)

Well I do not know how true is that, but as a human once, I did felt it before. An excruciating pain in you all the time. It's hard to let it go sometimes. Well, with the trust in one hand and faith in another, lets just go forth and win over the worst nemesis. For the Heavenly Lord will guide us through.

Donuts

People like to use many examples to talk about life. Such as life is like a game, life is like high-speed chase and so on and forth.

However, the one that I preferred over all the other example is like is like a donut. A donut is originally a full circle that has no end and no start. It just goes round and round. Everything is perfectly fit in it's original stead. However, when there is a hole in the middle (which makes it into a donut shape now!), a part of life is missing.

People who seek riches, filled it with riches. People who seek revenge, filled it with revenge. Traditional folks would say that when the right person comes into your life, that hole will be filled and life will be perfect again.
Another popular example is that life is a puzzle. Humans have to fit the pieces together to obtain the full and perfect picture. A piece missing will result in losing part of your life.

I once watched this kids show when I was in bible school at a particular church. It uses the same illustration of donuts to say that life is like a donut.. missing something and when Jesus came, HE fill up that missing part. The meaning may seems childish to some but if the human mind try to comprehend the fundamental meaning behind it. It's the same as your life will never be filled unless you accept Christ in your heart. Your heart is missing something that's why you whatever you desire never really satisfy you for long. Only HE can satisfy forever.

So next time as you are about to chew on a donut or while queueing for donuts at the Donut Factory, think about your life and what is really missing in the middle!!

P.S: The song: You are the music in me - by Zac Efron" (lyrics)
[http://www.metrolyrics.com/you-are-the-music-in-me-lyrics-zac-efron.html]


- Zac Efron Lyrics

Impressions

There are people out there in the World that fights for the saying that, "Looks doesn't matter, the attitude and skill you have matter more in the working world." Well, to a certain extent it is very true but on the other hand, being humans and having the basic human instinct. People tend to favour more things or people that suits their eyes.

I'll been working so far and people have been telling me that this particular woman has been treating me better compared to the previous man. Well, some say he was not as good looking while others comment that he was slow or disinterested. To me, it doesn't matter as I saw the drive in that man to do greater things when I first saw him. A friendly young chap indeed.

First impression also plays a very important part. People tend to notice the looks first before determining the person character and attitude. Compare a smart looking and clean shave young man to a unshaven and mess-up look man. The difference towards each man will be obvious.

My first impression of people are normally kept to myself until when I know that particular man or woman more, then shall I tell them about it. It sounds nice most of the time as I am rather picky on choosing friends. I avoid people that I feel I will have trouble communicating or might have a brawl against with. But most of the time, people are the one who says their impression of me at first sight or the first few sights. Common answers includes:

"What's wrong with this person? Why does he look as though everyone have offended him?'
OR
"This person look so fierce and unfriendly..."

Well, I do not smile all the time as I find it difficult to do so. My reasons for smiling is mainly if the other party is worth smiling to. Of cause, there are some exception that I will smile non-stop when I am around with. Keeping that impression is important as well as to avoid unnecessary questioning by people. A hidden character is what makes me up, the closest a human can understand me is only one. She is that one.

Decision of Life

A mere mortal can never comprehend the works of wonders by the Father. How many thinkers and humans have tried so hard to come up with theories of life and evolution?

A man of faith and a man of science can never co-exist together harmoniously as the belief clashes with each other. A man of faith believes in the existence of God and that the changes to the World is the work of God. A man of science believes in the existence of evolution and that the changes to the World is the work of man and species. I had once read about scientist exploring how Earth and the universe was first started. Their theory started off as a 'BIG BANG' to many other sorts of explanations. However, the bible says, God created Earth in 6 days and the last day HE rest. The difference in thinking lead to many sorts of arguments and fights.

I believe that fights and arguments are all decisions made by human beings. The Father has the power to change and control our lives yet HE gave us the gift of free will entity to choose our path and our decisions. Whenever I see people making a choice yet regretting and blaming others for it, I wonder, whose fault does it actually lies? The other party or the choice you choose willingly? Of cause there are other factors to consider in making choices such that the humans called them, " Variables".

I know this guy, that always regret his choice. His choice of studying in such a course, loving such a person, living in such a home, not fighting for what he wanted and making mistakes that cost him dearly. Of cause the person is died by now if he doesn't wake up from his senses and start living life the way God wanted him to live.

Like that person, I also given up my life to the Father, given my problems to HIM as well as seeking HIS directions even for the tinny winny decisions that I have to make. I love to think myself as a child in front of HIM as this is the only time I can throw tantrum and fight with a Father that still loves me so dear. Imagine that I am a spoilt brat somehow. But the harsh reality of this God-not-forsaken World is that I got to live up to a certain level of "Professional" image for people to see. Thus, people such as my family, my closest friends and love ones do not understand me all the time. They think they do, but maybe I was the one allowing them to instead.

There is this one special person that I am over-looking at. Thus far, she's the only one that understand me better compared to the rest. I could never think of any other person that can understand me that closely anymore. My decision for her is simple... as I over-look you as a guardian angel. I'll hold on to the Black Rose till it withers and die.

Rejoice, for the Father has given you a choice... a choice to make a world a better place, a choice to make your friends and family happy, a choice to save yourself from sins and a choice to free yourself from condemnation! The root to all evilness is not money, but self-condemnation instead!