Ability of Doubt

Doubt: a status between belief and disbelief, involves uncertainty or distrust or lack of sureness of an alleged fact, an action, a motive, or a decision.

It's been some time that I've updated this blog and it's been collecting spiderwebs all around. Needed to do some area cleaning to clear the webs and set this blog going for a while again.

Meow meow, Wombat and me met up earlier for a chat about scouting, system and other matters. Over it was a good chat to wake me up for a while. I do not know how long I can last with the schedule in army (lots of uncertainty), relationship and scouting. It's a whole lot of combination added into confusion, lost-ness and doubt.

Meow meow mentioned about me doubting myself in terms of ability and skills. Citing that I lack the confidence to push forward for what I want to achieve in the unit and in life. I do agree, as Wolf mentioned to me earlier too. However, I guess I am just lost in my own world (what my BMT bunk mates usually says). I agree that I have the tendency to doubt my ability and myself as I have set out expectations and I am afraid that I do not meet those expectations. Such as maintaining and driving the unit to another level, maintaining the relationship I have now and the friendship and others.

It's tough, nevertheless, but yet if it's achieved, it can be a major satisfaction and relief for many things. For the past week, there has been arguments about how I handle the relationship. I fear that it will stumble to the stage whereby I neglected the person I love so much and care for so much due to my commitments. I fear that I'll lost that person for the things that I do and the things that kept me sane from army. Army isn't killing me, it's just the culture and the system that is killing me. I do enjoy the training, the chiong-ing with my bunk mates and section commanders. However, the regimentation, the efficiency and the system that isn't what I hope for.

A new year is going to begin shortly, new tenderfoot will be entering soon too. Yet, the system isn't totally ready to kick off. This may be due to the lack of manpower, the lack of resources and the uncertainty ahead. I've always ponder on the welfare of the boys, the training that they should receive and the things that I should implement for the benefit of the boys. Yet fearing that all these will backfire into losing membership, interest and scouting knowledge. The responsibility is heavy, when you know that the lives of these growing youths depend on you partly (if not fully). The state of the unit and the growing of the unit is at stake... I as a leader couldn't abandon it for my own welfare. I can't do it somehow. I do envy those who left sometimes. I don't know how they did it but they just left without feeling anything (presumption).

How do I overcome this doubt, to communicate better with the new generation of youths, not sounding like an authority, yet not sounding like a child. The balancing act on this tight rope isn't easy... but if things were to be so easy, wouldn't life be easy too?

I thank Hulbert for this gift from the trip, I thank Wisdom Keeper and Lady Star Seeker for the gifts from the trip. It's nice to feel remembered. I always message my god-sisters about remembering them in my life. Now felt it from my close friends or more like brothers and sisters in scouting.

I thank Meow meow and Wombat for the talks to keep me in line with scouting and not divert elsewhere.

I thank Marlinne for keeping me sane and for reminding me of who I am and what I should be done. I know it's a heavy duty and you can choose to ignore all these, yet out of love, you didn't.

For all I know, seeing those boys and girls at the airport, hugging and saying their good-byes at the end of a wonderful experience is a satisfying moment. It reminded me of the times I had shared in scouting with my peers after such activities and events. Some come and go, others stayed on to serve the organisation that we got into. Be it out of love for the organisation or for the members... we stayed on and remembered the Scout Promise and Law. To do my best... to the republic of Singapore, to help other people...

Wombat told me that the shape of my heart is a Scout logo... the blood in my blood stream has Scout cells. I don't know how true is that anymore since entering Army... but for what I know... I can't keep this up for these 1 and a half years more. I need to do something about it but how?

I'm just into the lost generation again... God save me!