How much?

How much more is more and how much less is less? How much by ones' action is considered too much or too little for humans to judge and decide? Am I over-doing it or am I just doing nothing to save it? I don't know at all.

Somehow, how much love can one human give to another to consider it as a relationship? Or how much hate can one human obtain to take revenge? I don't know at all.

Lots of thoughts have been flowing in and out of my mind recently. If there is a potion or drink that allows your memory to be wipe clean or a treatment to forget a part of your life, wouldn't all the pain and suffering be gone? Memories of a human can be a bitter-sweet experience. Some uses it to store sweet memories, while others have bitter experiences coming back to haunt them everyday. Some have both to play around with.

How I wish that I can disappear from my friends, family and love one? I tried imaging "what-if" scenarios again and again and again.

What if I disappear from my friends? Maybe in a matter of time, they wouldn't even remember me existing in their lives.

What if I disappear from my family? Maybe in a matter of time, life resumes as per normal and I'm just a thing of a past.

What if I disappear from the one I love? Maybe in a matter of time, I wouldn't be even remembered as an existence or just a thing of past in her life.

So many negative thoughts have been torturing me day after day. Who can be the one that the Father will place in my life to save me from falling even further? Will it be the same person, or will it be another? I dare not think about that. What matters most is her that's all I can think of. But does she feel the same? I am just degrading my life bit by bit, maybe going after the impossible and using what time and energy I have left to spend.

How I wish that my heart will die and my heart will turn into as cold as ice and as hard as stone? Maybe that might help in suppressing all emotions and dreadful thoughts. I don't want to die from such unglamorous death. But what choice do I have? How much more do I have before it's time for me to return home? How much more do I have to take for acceptance? How much more do I have to wait as time seems like an endless pain to me?

Some say tomorrow will be a better day, but tomorrow is just another day of waiting and praying for things to happen. Am I doing the right thing? Am I really pursuing what my heart tells me to? YES, my heart is clear ... but is your heart clear as well?

I always admire those humans who are able to pretend and escape their emotions and conscious. I always wonder, doesn't it hurt? If it does, why not face it and come back again? There is no one stopping you to do what you want. The choice is yours. Sure enough, there will be difficulty adjusting to life, but don't humans adapt quickly to the environment based on their survival instinct?

How much can I do for you? That's what's bothering me ... Father, is this how my life is going to be? Or is there a greater stage set for me to embark my life on?