Day 0 ... What will it be?

Day 0 has finally arrived... What will it be??

I met up with her finally face to face after a week. It was both a happy yet weird occasion for me... For a starter, I was afraid yet joyful to see her. I didn't know what her answer is yet. But based on the afternoon sms, I was hoping for a positive sign... I am a dumbo at love, so don't blame me to catch wrong signals.

My fear was totally relieve when I realise what her answer was... Thank God. I just pray that I will not lose her again somehow.

I would like to thank a special person who encouraged me during this period of time. It's none other than ... (Drum beats dum dum dum..) Missy. I shall not name her. Just call her Missy thats all. Well, she is not your ideal kind of love consultant. But a daughter of God like her, the holy spirit was flowing.

I love you... thats all I got to say. And this is for you.

1 more day to go

1 more day to go... it's just so scary yet hoping for a better and more positive answer.

Just ended a chat with her. It didn't go as smoothly as usual, but I was glad that it was a chance given to hear her laugh for a moment. I may seem desperately and hopelessly useless in such situations... I have to agree to what I said about myself. I can be good in most areas of my life, such as studies, activities and achievements but one thing just suck is call love. Love for my girlfriend, love for my family members and for my friends. That element in life seems to be either missing in me, or it is screwed up in me.

Like what I told her, I never regret to ask her again since that day. I never consider her as a replacement of the old or of some other dream girl. She is who she is. And I love her for that. Even in such a situation. OF CAUSE, I will not be so dumb to die for rejected love. I condone suicide as much as I dislike people who mistreat their own parents.

Lets just recall one thing that I did with you,
Walking down the dark route in Pasir Ris Park, it was a deliberate action. I wanted to feel you close to me, I wanted to know how it feels like being close together with you. I did feel it and I know till today, that was a right choice.

She was mentioning that I was not a boyfriend material, but more of a husband material. It didn't really help me but it was good enough, I guess. Honestly, I did think that far once... If we manage to get marry and stuff like that... but what matters most is now for me. I know that if this blow comes to me again. It will take a very long time to heal. It took several months the last time...

As I am sitting here and typing down my thoughts, it is just all mixed and in a whirl. I am recalling when she first sent me an e-mail, that read like she was writing a love letter to me... haha I thought it was sweet for her to do so. Of coz, plus the music lyrics that she sent me... I did went to find that song to hear... OK honestly, the song sounds weird, but the lyrics and meaning is there for me. The song was by Mandy Moore, named "Can we be friends". I guess that's her meaning at that time.

Life is so ironic and weird, she was fighting for me in the past and now, I am doing the fighting for her to stay in my life. A fight that I am not sure of, actually. I just wonder, when will she tell me... as the longer it drags... the longer it feels. I just hope for relieve that's all. I guess she is sleeping now, like an innocent child as I watched her sleep always. God watch over her too... Amen

2 more days to go

2 more days more to go... seriously, this type of waiting is not for the weak hearted person. It takes a lot of courage and resilience to conquer temptation and wondrous thoughts.

I've just returned from Eagles Campfire and a meeting with Jedi and his followers. We were practically talking nonsense and sharing stories instead of planning for a hike for the tenderfoots. It takes my mind off lots of stuff though, but when it touches the topic about ladies and wives. It brings back lots of memories.

And just to add more salt to the wound, I was switching around the television shows and there it is... A Jacky Wu Show called "I guess, I guess, I guess guess guess". The most painful part of the show was showing 5 couples coming out and the celebrities have to guess which couple is not together anymore. And when the host finally said who was the one. The lady started to tear, which she mention about past sayings that she told the guy before. I was like ... WHY? and I off the television and started to blog instead.

I am hoping she will accept my date out on Tuesday. It will be Day 0 on that day. I would really like to tell her that before she tell me her decision. Lets just go out as a date. If it is meant to be the last, let it be a memorable one. If it is not (which I am really praying for), it will be a fresh start for me and her. Lets just hope sista was right about what she said. If she was right, I will treat her out and thank her for her advice. However, if she was wrong, I would thank her for encouraging me while at the same time adding spice and salt to my wound.

Less than 72 hrs left to go. Felt like D-day to me... I felt like my heart and mind is going to explode at any moment. But nevertheless, I still have to put up a brave front, to avoid suspicion among my buddies, family members and others. This is especially so if I am going to work temporary in some company.

Well lessons learnt so far in a relationship,

1) Never be late
2) Don't be just a good boy/ girl
3) Expectations are just another form of barriers and what you hope to turn that person into, which is wrong
4) Pressure works for good purposes, not bad ones.
5) Stay focus, even though it is kinda difficult for everyone to do so.
6) Stay quiet at the right time and voice it out at the right time. When he/ she is happy, make them more happy. Only after that, then break the bad news.
7) Control means to control yourself, not controlling the other party. Everyone has free will to do what they want to do. Of coz immoral and unfaithful stuff are not included in the package.
8) Most importantly, love the person for their differences but allow common interest and topics keep you guys going in a relationship. Talking always helps to understand the other person more. Keep quiet all the time is just preventing love to occur.

Yeap. My mind is going in whirls now. I am just gonna stop here and see what comes up next...

3 more days to go

3 more long and cold days to go... no response to anything at all. I just don't understand.

Today is just another scouting day for me. Woke up kinda late, so I was being bug by some juniors and the leaders by messages and phone calls, which I was expecting someone else to do it instead. But well not her..

The programme was a little simple, just drills and more drills. Kids, these days are way too pampered by their parents. I had a few reasons for such things, namely,

1) The parents must have been suffering from a lack of ECA (what they call it during those days) and active sports. Thus they hope their children will not suffer that much and complain and complain for the slightest reason.
2) The parents wanted their children to have a better life than theirs, thus they pamper them because they love their children too much, till they grow up to be ill-discipline and disrespectful towards others.
3) The parents are just ignorant to the fact that a CCA, actually helps to keep their children active and discovering their potential and most of the time, keeping them away from bad company.

Of coz, these reasons are my opinions of how I feel. But not all parents are like this, in fact, some parents would love their children to be actively involved in almost everything. Direct extreme opposite eh?

Well, I did a bit of scolding again, as they still have that farked up attitude in them. But kids being kids, I hope they learn something valuable each time I goes down to guide them. The responsibility of being a leader is weighing heavily on me. Maybe it is the pressure I am exerting on myself, or maybe it is just high expectation of myself to perform too. Whatever the reasons, I just pray that these kids grow up to be good and useful citizens that's all.

I felt almost instantly happy when I saw her name appear on my phone as she replied me after over 3 days. But I hope she is doing well. May she is doing far better than before... several times it just crosses my mind that if I didn't know her back then. How different would her life be and mine too. Maybe it was a wrong decision for her to know me... and for me to try to approach her back then. Or else she wouldn't be suffering so much right now.

I am just so tired due to the lack of sleep from many a nights, Bear was suggesting that my body clock was screwed up, so adjusting back to sleeping early and waking early is going to be difficult for me. True enough, ever since I entered High School life, it was sleeping super late and waking super early. Holidays are worse, whereby I will be sleeping super late, and waking super duper later than before. Bad lifestyle for me!! I just hope my body can hang on to this lifestyle for a while longer before it comes crashing down on me.

All I ever wanted was to help someone lead a better life... but it seems like I am screwing things up now and then. I pray that God will guide me through this time of need.

Psalm 46:1 God is my refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.

4 More days to Go...

4 more days to go.... seems like a long, long time to pass on without You. So without anyone to share my activities with, I just have to blog it down somewhere.

Today is the second day of my job assignment at Natixis.

Well, I was there earlier than usual as my Dad sent me to work. So I sat at the 'crossroads' and watched the early morning show called NEWS. It was rather entertaining as you see people rushing for work, while others that sat down and watched the NEWS, like me. Then I went up and did the usual stuff that Roslan, Zul and Mike taught me yesterday. The ladies were like, "Wah so early ar, we have not prepare yet!!'. There wasn't much in the morning to do, however ... ...

Around 11 plus, I had to go to Ministry of Manpower (MOM) to help one of the staff to settle his work permit. It took me freaking 1 hour plus to just see the counter lady. And had to return back in the afternoon to collect it. Luckily, there were lowyers talking and I was there listening to their stories and arguments. On my way back to the office, a Job Agent called me to ask if I am willing to work as a temporary accountant at a Japanese Logistic Company near Changi. I was okay, but the condition is that there must be someone to train me in my job scope. The agent was kinda postive on it, so I thought, why not give it a try? So I accepted his offer.

When I went back to office, I finally ate lunch!! Woah! Haha I'm not a very lunch person, so its rarity! And did receptionist again till late noon. By then, there were several mails to be sent around, so I was using my map again to orienteer myself around. I 'visited' several places such as BNP Paribas, MAS, UOB and some others that I forgot. Well it was an eye-opener to talk to these people and see how they operate.

Finally, I went back to the office, kinda drench in my sweat due to the brisk walking and hot sunny weather (AMEN, thank you Lord for not raining!!) Yeap, the people at the office are fun to chat with, friendly and super duper helpful. Although, I have got to admit, I was expecting office ladies to look good, but, I guess they are too stress to even bother to check on their looks. Just nice would do for them!

Met Aunty Kelly, Hannah, Imm and Ah Bao for dinner at Raffles City BK!! I was like, 'Wah liao eh => something like what the hell', You guys came all the way here to just have dinner at BK?! But it was good though, as we chatted like never before and we were actually meeting a long-lost uncle. Not the kinda old beard uncle with a walking stick (no offence to those out there!). But he was young, like many of my other uncles! His name is John and he works in an F&B line as well. (I shall not name, just in case) Well he is friendly, kinda easy to talk with, and like my other uncles. Super smart in their own ways. So we just chat and chat till around 11 plus p.m. before heading home.

On my way back, my brother told me about his friend (a guy) keeps telling him about the girls being mad at him and that the girl he likes, now hated him. I was like, why do you have to listen to all these from your friend. Never mind what others say, just go for it! When you love someone, what others say is only going to be a barrier for you if you keeps listening to them. Follow your heart. Well kinda true to a certain extent, right??

I can't resist not keeping in touch. I don't know why? I tried to keeps things the way they are before, but ... it seems that nothing works. My cousin was having a hard time trying to figure out about this senior girl of his. I told him the same, just go for it! And both of us got a common thing that we dislike. That is to message or call someone, but the person not replying at all.

As I am typing now, temptation is still there. I am deciding whether to call. But the chances are... she would either doesn't pick up my call or... even if she answered... it wouldn't sound pleasant. It is the kinda sound signalling to you such as, 'Why are you calling me anyway .... (sianzz)??' My answer will be simple. It's because I still care!

4 more days to go... lets just pray.

5 more days to go

5 more days to go, and whatever means I tried seems to be unheard and non-responsive... Is it going to be this way ...

Day 1 of my first job assignment at Natixis.

As usual, I tend to be a bit earlier for any of my first day event or school... I reached my workplace (Singapore Landmark Building) using a map (seriously, I was orienteering at Raffles Place) at around 8:30am. Kinda early, but the morning rush was there already before me.

I was brief by Mike about the duties for dispatch and administrative support and was later hand over to Zul and Roslan to start my job. Both of them assist me a lot by making me feel comfortable and making my job easier by pointing out tips and directions around.

First Job was to send documents to UOB and OCBC building, which is still at Raffles Place and got to go home to change to office attire. Call me mountain tortoise but seriously, I didn't expect a dispatch or office boy to wear office attire, so I wore black jeans and a polo t-shirt (yeah laugh all you want, I was totally clueless).

So when I came back to the office in office attire, which I felt uncomfortable with, as usual... I was send to Shenton Way to deliver more documents to Springleaf Tower and DBS Tower 2. I didn't manage to have my lunch as I was running late already, so I brought Milo bars and my fav. drink (ice mountain = mineral water, not soft drink!!). Yeap I know, unhealthy lunch, but what to do... I was late and have to report back to the office in 10 minutes time. This is excluding the time that I have to collect the mails at the Basement!!

After which, I stayed in the office while Roslan went for his lunch and became a receptionist. I was told to answer the phone and direct it to the other staff's extension numbers. The rest of the time... I was just thinking of something. I tried to distract myself by sorting out the mails a bit, until Roslan came back and he showed me how to do administrative stuff.

BTW, did I mention? Natixis is a french offshore bank, thus staff must learn to speak french in order to better communicate with the customers. In fact, there was a tutor coming into the office during a period of time to teach a group of them french. I was sitting at the receptionist counter, listening to them. It was entertaining to hear how working adults do have fun in the office learning too. Lots of laughter and supporting and encouragement towards each other. No political atmosphere at all!!

Finally, around 5p.m., I was sent to deliver mails to the post office and when I came back to the office, I walked around to check if there is any more administrative work to do before I let off work. It was fun learning new things and seeing how dealers and a financial institution works.

Lets just pray, tomorrow will be a better day for everyone at the office again.

Lets also pray, that things will turn out fine for us again. I am listening to my heart now, not my mind. Cause the mind will only cause the Ego to grow, while the heart causes Love to strengthen.